


Impossible Eros?

by QueenofWitchBlood



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M, also slightly angsty, and v confused, awkward sexual awakening sort of, i mean there's no sexy stuff, it makes my heart flutter and i feel joyous, this anime is so fucking gay, yuuri's ace/demi in thie fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 10:12:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8323912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenofWitchBlood/pseuds/QueenofWitchBlood
Summary: yuri on ice is fucking gay as shit and it makes me so happythis was supposed to be short and non angsty but lmao its me what do you expectalso it's mostly just a headcanon but honestly, i feel so connected to yuuri [we're both embarrassing nerds] and maybe i'm just projecting on a character but i feel this in my soul





	

Yuuri’s in trouble. Not life or death kind of trouble, but trouble nevertheless. He had to skate to Eros. A sexual love. It was laughable really. How are you supposed to skate to something you’ve never felt until very recently?

It’s not that he’s never experienced desire: Yuuri’s desired plenty of things. His biggest desire was to skate on the same ice as Viktor Nikiforov as an equal and he’d fucked himself over thoroughly by placing last in the Grand Prix the previous year. He’d felt so humiliated that he hadn’t had the courage to pose with Viktor for a ‘commemorative photo’. Yuuri still found himself cringing at the memory.

Watching Yuri[o] skate across the ice, earbuds in and lost in his own world, the Japanese man sighed, letting his head thunk down on his crossed arms. Leaning against the side of the ice rink wasn’t going to make him any more able to skate his program, but Yuuri was just so tired. He didn’t even budge when Viktor told them that it was time to get off the ice.

“Yuuri!” Said man lifted his head to look over at his coach curiously. Viktor stood there, a hand on his hip and a calm smile on his handsome face and Yuuri swore he felt his heart thump painfully. Viktor tilted his head in puzzlement and gestured to the door. 

“Ah, I think I’ll stay here a little longer.” Yuuri waved away Viktor’s curiosity, giving his coach a wan smile and ignoring Yurio’s derisive snort. He wanted to skate through his thoughts or he’d overthink himself into a depressed slump.

Viktor furrowed his brow but still smiled and nodded. “Alright! Make sure not to stay too late, we’ll be starting early tomorrow!” Yuuri nodded and watched the two Russians leave before turning his attention back to the ice.

With a sigh, Yuuri started skating through his program slowly, losing himself comfortably in his thoughts. How was he going to perform Eros? It wasn’t going to be easy. Suddenly he felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment settle upon him.

Ever since he could remember, Yuuri had always been interested in the ice. He was as at home on it as he was back at the family onsen. Skating was like second nature, effortless, enjoyable and challenging. It was a place he could go and avoid the pressures of real life for a long time. He’d been teased and bullied mercilessly as a kid for enjoying skating and ballet, particularly by older and bigger kids, but he’d always sort of brushed them off. 

His only friends in the world were those who supported and loved him, who lifted his talents for him and let him skate without judgement. Minako, Yuuko, Takeshi, his parents and Mari. Not surprising that the list was short and to the point. He breathed deeply and shook his head, skating calmly in circles, allowing himself to get lost in the familiar motions. Viktor had told him to think back on previous memories of sexual love and Yuuri felt like the ice had been sucked out from under him.

How was he supposed to tell Viktor he’d never felt… it? Sex wasn’t a foreign concept to Yuuri, he wasn’t unaware of the act, even if he’d never performed it himself. He frowned and paused to lean back against the edge of the rink, letting his head fall back to think back to the past.

He remembers his childhood and his disinterest in people. He remembers the ice under his skates and the ballet classes he attended and the nasty looks he got from the boys in his classes. ‘ _Yuuri’s a sissy boy. Who even likes ballet apart from girls? Maybe he is secretly a girl, or wants to be one!_ ’ He remembers frowning, not understanding what would be so bad about being a girl. Girls were pretty and all the girls in his ballet class were nice to him when he didn’t know how to do a move, correcting him gently but firmly. He remembers the older girls giggling amongst themselves, talking about kissing and which boy they had a crush on and Yuuri had lost interest as he’d moved on to stretch himself by the bar.

As he moves back into the ice, Yuuri remembers growing up, his voice cracking and he remembers first seeing Viktor on TV. He remembers feeling breathless and wondering if this is what the older girls talked about when they talked about a crush. He remembers Yuuko helping him skate like Viktor. 

He remembers the first time a girl liked him. It was after he’d started competing in ice skating, the thrill of maybe one day skating with his idol leaving him shaky and unsteady after each performance. He remembers being twelve and a girl from the female figure skating team coming over to him and telling him she liked him. How she’d batted her eyes shyly and Yuuri’d been confused. He remembers his mother gushing about young love and he’d felt so guilty he didn’t tell her that he’d turned the pretty skater down.

He remembers his first kiss from a classmate who he’d once considered a friend. He remembered the other boy pulling him close when they’d been working on homework, kissed him and called him beautiful. He remembers the embarrassed flush on his face and his confusion when the other boy had asked if he wanted to do things together. He remembers how angry the other boy was when Yuuri’d told him he wasn’t interested, remembers his mother cradling a heart broken Yuuri in her arms as he sobbed about how ‘ _his friend didn’t like him and they weren’t friends anymore_.’

His later memories are a blur of ice skating and competitions and losing more friends because he was never interested. He remembers one girl asking if he was waiting for ‘the one’ and another boy telling him he was just frigid. He remembers others telling him that he’d feel it one day, that everyone felt it, that he was just immature and then there were some that said he was broken and stupid for not feeling sexual desire. 

After a while, Yuuri’d just-stopped. He decided that concentrating on his skating was more important and that as long as he had that and those that really mattered to him that he’d be okay. None of them had ever called him broken or stupid because he couldn’t feel it. But the feeling of being broken didn’t leave and he remembers crying way too much about it. He remembers thinking one day that he’d like to kiss Yuuko and had felt so relieved before remembering that she was with Takeshi. He’d never told them and still felt it had been the best decision he’d ever made when he’d been Takeshi’s Best man.

Yuuri was eighteen when he found out what his lack of sexual desire meant. He’d felt so elated to know he wasn’t the only one. That it was normal and that he wasn't broken. He was asexual. He’d read up about it and could have cried tears of joy with just the few information sources he’d found and the answers some out and open people had answered about asexuality. 

But then, at twenty three, Viktor Nikiforov had slammed back into his life, this time as an actual interactive person, and dragged the younger man into a sudden and jarring sexual awakening that Yuuri had never expected and was horrified to get. He’d made peace with his sexuality damn it, and now he’d found himself in the uncomfortable position of questioning himself yet again. He’d felt sick with guilt, thinking ‘ _Maybe… maybe I was wrong? Maybe I was lying this whole time? Maybe I’m a fake asexual?_ ’ even now he couldn’t really get through the jumble of his emotions and the strange heat that’d flash through him every so often with such strength it made him squirm. 

It was uncomfortable. It was frustrating. And it confused him so much he wanted to bury himself in his bed and never reveal himself. After some careful research he’d found something related to this and yet again it felt like a punch to the gut. Demisexual. He was demisexual, an ace spectrum sexuality where one only felt sexual attraction when one formed a strong emotional bond with another person. Realistically, Yuuri knew this probably came from his unending-erm-admiration for Viktor that had probably lead to his developing a crush-and subsequently, sexual attraction-for the figure skating legend. 

Breathing deeply, Yuuri stopped skating and moved to get off the rink. Picking up his phone to check the time, he sighed in relief to find it was only 18:35, and that he hadn’t spent too long on the ice as he was wont to do from time to time. After spending some time cooling down, Yuuri pulled on his winter coat and stepped out of Ice Castle, making sure to lock up behind himself. 

Yuuri paused a moment, looking up at the snowflakes falling from the sky and sighed again. Eros, huh? His mind was bombarded with Viktor’s smile, and Yuuri found himself smiling softly to himself. 

Maybe he could do it.


End file.
